Enlightenment

The wind pulled on her skirt like a puppy. It was a gentle wind, pouring through the surrounding trees with a muted whistle, barely audible next to the rambunctious laughter of children and the mechanical grunt of the bulky rides.

She was a truly beautiful girl; I cannot say that her looks were the reason why I couldn't bear to look up at her eyes and let go of her hand. How could I ever tell her? How could I ever tell anyone? All I could do was hang on, hoping the warmth would fill me once again, praying for the adrenaline rush, the desire to have her close and touch her.

Perhaps it sounded sordid, but it couldn't have been any less acceptable than what flashed through my head for the rest of the night.

I had been safe in a haven of conformity, undisturbed by the pushing crowd and the ear-splitting scream of the Tornado riders. Standing next to the metal fence that separated the outside world from a spinning world of plastic lights, metal, shiny plastic and grease, I saw them coming toward us.

In the distance, the edge of the forest stood firmly, a dark green mass with lightly swaying treetops beneath a dull blue-gray sky. The afternoon had come quickly, and the clouds had descended even faster, bringing on the darkness earlier than it should have come and making the carnival lights stand out even more.

A sweet-sticky cotton candy smell slithered tentatively around my face as I saw them come closer and closer. "Look!" said Sue, tugging me out of my trance. "There comes your sister with that guy."

He held her hand firmly, but looked to his side and up at the twirling Tornado. Plastic lights, yellow and red, looked dim where they stuck to the metal arms of the rides, but they shone like suns in his eyes. At first I didn't notice, due to all the lights that bounced of his eyes, but there was something definitely peculiar about them. As he turned to look at me, his delicate ginger curls bouncing and his soft-looking lips parting, I noticed that one of his eyes was pure, light and honey-like, while the other was an intense, shady green.

I don't even understand why I stared at him like an idiot. Why? I truly felt like slapping myself, biting my hand, anything to get me out of the momentary stupor that held me in place like concrete.

I did manage to shake my head lightly and wrinkle my nose, pretending that I had wanted to sneeze but couldn't. My sister seemed extremely pleased with herself for having such a handsome date, and I felt dumb as ever as jealousy burned my throat. Introductions were made, and I almost stopped breathing when his lips curled up into the most innocent of smiles. My small lips pressed into a hard line and I quickly looked away. The beauty God was taken aback by my reaction, and he immediately lowered his head, stuffing his hands in his pocket. It wasn't your fault, I wanted to say. I wish I hadn't made such a bad impression on him. Although I felt guilty for treating him this way, I felt even worse for wanting him, for feeling such a flesh-consuming lust, such an overbearing desire to push him into the nearest wall and run my hands along his back, kissing his pearly, baby-soft skin.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop thinking about him; I was aware of his presence, his slender body strolling along with an effortlessly stylish (yet somewhat tense) walk a few feet away from mine. There had been no time in my life when I had hated myself this much. I gripped Sue's hand tighter and kissed her cheek a little too roughly, but she did not complain. Though I loved her, I could never let her know what was going on inside my head. It was so twisted, so strange and so complicated...Not even I understood it, I wasn't sure I could count on her understanding it, either.

The girls were anxious to ride the tornado, so we bought tickets and got in line. As we waited for the line to move, I turned to the Earthbound angel that was standing next to me. Both my sister and my girlfriend were to busy talking about some movie to notice my awkward approach.

"Hey," I began in a choked voice. "Listen, I'm sorry if I appeared...You know...Rude at first...I...It's just...It's hard to see your little sister growing up so fast, you know?"

He eyed me curiously and tried a slight smile that lit up his freckled face. "Yeah," he said, relaxing his body and sliding his hands out of his pockets. "I have a kid sister myself."

Somehow, I was glad for the connexion, eternally thankful for my forgiveness. But I still felt like the greatest jerk on Earth, the worst human being ever as I smiled my foolish smile.

We sat opposite to each other on the ride. It was a structure with 4 seats which reminded me of a flying saucer, but without the roof. I did feel much like an alien; I was alien to all of the strange feelings that had taken over me. I mean, why in the world did I feel that way looking at a guy? I never thought there would be a day when I would question my sexuality. At least not in this way...

The ride began with a slow spin that peaked rapidly. Sue and Jen were lost in their screaming, but I couldn't see beyond his face. All around us, light and music swirled endlessly. It all became confusing and blurry; the screams and the music were there but I heard no sound, and the lights still shone, but there was nothing brighter than his eyes.

Time melted away and nothing made sense. I was lost in a dark pool in my thoughts where the pitch black atmosphere was only slightly disturbed by the fast-moving carnival lights that were all over us like ghosts. I wanted to think, to come to some rational conclusion, but all I could do was taste the fear and anxiety in my mouth, so acid and sweet and exhilarating.

It seemed as if an eternity had gone by when the ride came to a sudden stop. I felt Sue tugging at me again, pulling me by the arm to another ride. I stumbled out of my feet and fell into the arms of the boy, colorful spots floating all around me. It was such a light-headed feeling; I felt careless yet I knew I had to react, but the colors were so sharp and yet so soft, and the noise had faded into such a lovely hum that, for a second, I could have sworn I had died and I was, perhaps, in heaven.

But I came back to reality just to be dragged around the games some more. As we rode more swift, spinny rides, our senses became distorted. The adrenaline and joy flowed in our veins and intoxicated us like alcohol. We even stumbled around like drunk dorks, laughing at empty spaces, at imaginary fluorescent specks of light that clouded our vision.

In one of those rides, I sat next to him. The girls had decided to bail on us and get some food, so we hopped into the small two-person cabin of the Ferris Wheel before we could realise what we had done. The spins were wild, but we were too tuned out to feel the butterflies. As we neared the top, he gripped my hand, his palms soft as doves. It was only a matter of seconds before he remembered where we were and who I was, so he withdrew it back. I felt extremely outraged; the touch of his hand had almost made me lean over and kiss him lightly on the cheek. That one thought pierced my soul in such a sharp way that I had to excuse myself as we met up with the girls again, and went home early.

It's hard to explain. I don't know why one random guy rocked me off my heels like that. Should I blame hormones? I am willing to bet it was a teenage impulse. Perhaps, more than just willing, I am hoping. What is it about these years that makes us so shameful about what we do? There is a mysterious force that has made me regret so many things I've done and so many things that I've felt. Worse than all, I have kept this to myself, turning it in my head over and over without getting any answers.

I went to the carnival a few days later, without any company. I rode in silence, deep in thought. Strangers looked at me with fright and amusement; my face was blank and my eyes were distant. I knew that my expression was that of someone who is burrowed under a tormenting feeling of doubt, under piles of insecurity and fright, lost in some hole in Planet X. But I walked and sat and waited...I listened and I looked around, waiting for the sound to break through the invisible barriers around my head and barge into my ears, waiting for the light to cut through my eyelids and reach into my brain, waking me up.